WHEN IS A GIFT NOT A GIFT?

I seem to have been going through a writer's block. My mind  switched off in a pattern I'm starting to become aware of - enforced resting time.And its worked. Today I woke up feeling better than I've felt in ages. The shingles are dried up and going. The head is clear and I haven't needed a nap today. It's so good to feel well.

So as a result today was catch up day. I caught up on paper work. I rang my favourite number (Centrelink) and ONLY was on hold 37 minutes and 20 seconds. But its ok because I caught up with what I had to do. I caught up with one of my nieces for a coffee and a gossip and I caught up on some housework and cooking.

Its sad isn't it when you get joy out of doing the most basic things without feeling unwell and chronically tired. But its good too and I'll take it.

One of the things I also had to do today was explain to my insurance company for about the hundreth time that I don't have cancer. I have a condition which increases my cancer risk. They just don't get the word risk and it is hard to explain it sometimes. It is so annoying even having the conversation. I am a bit superstitious and I would prefer not to tempt fate. BUT I rely on these people so it was a conversation which had to happen.

Yesterday I read an article posted by an online friend. It was written in 2010 and called Smile! You've got cancer. The writer went on to describe people who told her that cancer is not a problem or an illness but a gift. She begged to differ and I tend to agree.

I couldn't have written this in 2009 and 2010 when I had my diagnoses. It was all too raw then. But trust me there is nothing about those years I can't remember. and when I read a quote from the article " breast cancer opened my eyes to the joy of living" it angered me, saddened me and totally pissed me off.

Some one dared tell me once that I got off lightly because I didn't have chemotherapy. I remember looking at them and walking away. I lost both breasts and had two reconstructions. This involved moving the muscle from my back to my front. I got infections, set a record (probably world wide) for being attached to a drain and  took tamoxifen which made me feel like a ninety year old woman with severe arthritis. To this day its uncomfortable when I sleep. My breasts have no feeling - none whatsoever. You could stick a pin in them and I wouldn't feel it. The tattoos which I paid big bucks for to simulate an areolar area have faded and I will probably die areolar-less because it was a waste of money. Bras don't fit properly because one boob sits slightly off centre. And before you all say go and whinge to the plastic surgeon, you can't. You sign on the dotted line that you are going to get a pair of boobs that will not be like your old ones...just as close as possible.

If that's getting off lightly, I'd hate to see what getting hammered feels like.

Now I'm not advocating sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and I'm not advocating hiding in a corner, but I agree with the author Barbara Ehrenreich when she talks about being angry.

I wasn't angry in 2009-2010 because I was too busy surviving, being super Mum, super teacher and super human. But I'm sort of angry now in a managed sort of way. You see really I just wish it would all go away.

But it doesn't. Its everywhere. At the bakery they have pink buns. In Target there are special pink clothes and you may remember an old post of mine at the radiologist, getting mega angry because it was festooned in pink and white balloons and looked more like a party was going on than a fundraiser. I officially hate pink. But I deal with it well and I even wrote on a "pink lady"at the bakery fundraiser because the money is necessary.

But I hate pink and it certainly hasn't opened my eyes to the joys of living.

I read about women who go on and do great things after their "journey" (don't even start me on that word). They climb mountains, run marathons, cycle around Australia. I remain innately lazy. Not even breast cancer changed that.

Breast cancer did not open my eyes to the joys of living. It changed me in so many ways , some are good and some are bad. But I remain essentially with the same attitude I had before which is:

SITUATION - what do I have to deal with                                                
ACTION - what needs to be done to deal with it
OUTCOME - why am I doing it? What am I hoping to achieve?

And with regards to the outcome I am realistic. Some days I am positive. Some days I am negative. Often I am angry that I have to deal with so much. And I hate pink.

I certainly don't indulge in endless positive thinking which masks how I feel and when I'm annoyed (like now) I write blog posts to let off steam. And I then feel better...even better then I felt this morning! So that's good.

Till next time...xxx