DEFEATED

I know more than most that you get good days and you get bad days. I'm also old enough to know that a bad day will be followed by a good day and often vice versa. But what is new today is the feeling of complete and utter defeat. That feeling I'm unfamiliar with.

Today I'm throwing up my hands in defeat. I give up. And I can thank the medical profession for this, because today one of their own broke me.

Now you don't go to a mechanic and tell them how to fix your car, so you wouldn't go to a medical specialist and tell him how to fix you. But the mechanic listens when you tell him what's wrong with your car and what you think may have caused it. He doesn't dismiss your questions or your comments or pretend to know how to fix your sports car when he's not worked on one before. Not all medical practitioners do that. Somewhere along the line, some become overwhelmed by their own importance and forget that a basic tenet of the Hippocratic oath is to serve. "And I will use treatments for the benefit of the ill in accordance with my ability and my judgment, but from what is to their harm and injustice I will keep them." An overview of the oath is at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7654432.stm if anyone would like to read about it.

Well here is a list of what harms me and has harmed me. Here is a list of what makes my load heavier than normal to carry:

1. When I come to some of you I'm scared. You harm me when your overbearing manner adds to my fear.
2. When I come to you and I need to share, and you cut me down you harm me again.
3. When you pre-judge my condition based on the extra weight I'm carrying this is an injustice.
4. When you're not sure about my condition, say so. I don't mind that you don't know. But I do know and I have some ideas to help you serve me to the best of your ability. If you don't let me do so, this again is an injustice.
5. When I have to pretty much raise my hand to speak, because your constant stream of words never ends, I feel belittled, humiliated and beaten.
6. When this condition sucks the life out of me and you drain what's left, I'm quite simply defeated.

The same doctor once said to me ( speaking about himself of course) that sleep is a good healer. Well I'm off to sleep and tomorrow I will re - group if I feel healed. At the moment I just feel defeated.

Till next time...xxx

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