MY JOB IS MUM

 I will never get used to the following dialogue and I seem to have it with someone on a regular basis:

You have a day off, do you?
No, I haven't worked for almost two years.
Oh...

That "oh" speaks volumes to me. It makes me feel like I am lazy, that I should be at work, that I should be giving back and that I am a dependent leech. So usually because I don't want people to think badly of me, I end up giving people who have no right to information the reason while I am off work. And then when they are gone, I feel really angry with myself.

Why do I keep doing that? Why do I feel that I have to justify my situation? I do work - my job is Mum.

I suppose its because despite all the health dramas, all the counselling, all the everything, I know that people only judge what they see in front of them. And that's what I felt happened today.

The power at home was off today  for local maintenance, so this morning I got up early to do some essential chores and then headed into town to kill a bit of time, have a coffee and a spot of lunch. I knew that the power would not be on for a while, so I decided to do something I rarely do - I went to see a movie. And that's where the conversation above took place. What was I doing in the middle of the school day at the cinema?

This person is someone I used to socialise with when my eldest daughter was born 21 years ago.We have not kept in touch so I assumed  she did not know my current situation. At least I thought so. When I gave her the reason I wasn't at work she said, " oh yes, I heard about that. Is she better?"  I muttered something vague and took off in a little bit of a huff!

I spent my first few minutes staring at the adverts on before the movie,  feeling a little cross and put out. Then I got over it and stopped making mountains out of molehills. I need to stop assuming that people understand or will ever get, that Cowden's syndrome has no end. It is not a condition my daughter and I will get over. There is no cure. There is only learning to live with it and making the most out of life with it...and teaching people about it.

And at the moment for me that means not working in a job where you have set hours and you get paid. God I miss the getting paid bit. It means dealing with my health issues while supporting my daughter. Believe me, between bill paying, scheduling appointments, attending appointments and often having to research and plan for my own treatment, there is no time for anything else.

For the record, the movie ( Pitch Perfect 2) was OK. Just OK not great. Quite corny really and downright condescending and degrading to women in places. I'm not sure why in 2015 this is actually acceptable. I thought society had become better than that.

Next week my Mum job really  goes up a notch, because its surgery week.

Next week everything will once again stop and specialists will once again attempt to remove the second fistula in Ashton's head. It will be her 16th procedure in almost two years. Her father, sister and I together with an extended prayer army world wide, will sit and wait and pray and hope for good news. Its a reality check of the worst type. This is my job - I'm a Mum.

Then following surgery I will be there for support as long as she needs me. Her father will return home, 425km away. One of us has to earn money so his support will be from afar. I thank God our relationship is strong because constant separation is hard on a marriage.

Last weekend on one of my regular visits, my daughter gave me a big hug and said thank you for everything I had done for her and her sister over that weekend.  She told me how grateful she is that I am always there to support them. I hugged her back and told her that it was my pleasure and that one day when she had her own kids , she would pay it forward and look after my grandchildren.She will never know the depth of a mother's love until she is a mother herself.

I do have a job.
The hours are tough - 24 hours a day.
The job gives me a wide range of emotions - happiness, anger, love, impatience to name a few.
Its a hard job but I wouldn't change it for the world...(well if I could I suppose I'd remove Cowden's)
My job is MUM.

Till next time...xxx

Me with my Mum and Dad 1966 - UK