FAT GIRL IN MY BRAIN

Well thanks to my stomach surgery and my never ending stay in hospital, I have lost 22 kg. Actually it's 22.6 almost 23. I'm claiming every gram because it's been a hard run.

People's reactions when they see me are hilarious. My brother keeps staring. He's not convinced I am who I say I am. My parents keep saying they've got their daughter back. This sort of irks me because carrying excess weight does not mean you're lost. It simply means you're fat. But the biggest reaction is from shop assistants. That's because finally there is one. I no longer walk in and see the eyes rolling and the under the breath muttering that nothing will fit me in here. It makes me so cross to actually experience this change. Now I am treated with respect. Everyone should be treated that way.

It's all very confusing. I sat on my bed this morning and looked down at my body and still felt fat. I put on my clothes and my pants swayed around me. They are about two sizes too big. My brother asked me if I felt healthier. Honest answer is no. I feel the same. Should I be feeling healthier? Like I said confusing.

Getting back to clothes. I walked into a boutique I hadn't shopped in for years. The assistant asked me if she could help me. The " fat girl" still in my brain said " No, I'm just looking. Nothing will fit me here". She looked at me strangely and pushed me into the dressing room with a dress I had been looking at in my hands. It was too big. I tried on a smaller size and it fit. I hadn't bought anything in that size in an eternity. I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt like crying. The brain has not caught up with the body and I just didn't recognise the person in the mirror.

Doctor gave me the " all clear" on Thursday. The hole in my stomach is no longer leaky. Now the big task of training my stomach to eat food has begun. Last night my mother put a cube of chicken, a spoonful of mashed potato and another spoonful of veg on my plate. She looked at the offering with disgust before proclaiming that Isabella ( my 1 year old niece) would eat more. She may well eat more but I still struggled. It's early days yet.

As I sign off, I would like to wish you all a Happy and holy Christmas. I hope you all enjoy special times with your friends and family. If there's one thing I've learned this year it is how precious these occasions are.

Think of me eating my cube of ham, my cube of turkey and my mushy veggies on Christmas Day. I'm just so grateful to be around to have that.

Till next time...xxx ST