MAYBE TOMORROW

So yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I let it all get to me. Cowdens, fistulas, five hour trips to Perth, career in tatters, the doctors visits, the hospitals, the aching bodies, the medications, the bills....it all got the better of me and I let it win.

So today my blog is not about yesterday, because to write about that would make today bad too. I won't let it win two days in a row even though I want to because I am so tired.

For something different I sat at the computer and wrote a short story. It's not about me. I have no idea whom it's about but she seems as frustrated with life as I am at the moment.

I won't say enjoy because it's a bit weird.

MAYBE TOMORROW

Apparently waking up is a good start but regardless of this I want to stay in bed and hide under my doona cover. I like it there. It's safe, cocooned in fabric and it would be perfect except for the fact that I can still hear them calling my name.

They call me at all hours. They entice me with strange words and watch me from corners. I know they're there but I have no words for them. I just do as they say but they're  frustrating and hard to please.

Sometimes I get scared, like the other day when they were angry and they sent rats. I could see those tails hanging over my wardrobe door and felt fear and disgust. I popped a pill that night and the rats went away. The voices went away too and the doona enveloped me. I concentrated on my toes and my breathing, like the frazzled woman said.... and I slept.

So I'm up and apparently that's a good start.

I check the kitchen for rats and it seems we're good to go. The voices mock me and tease me for my fear. They know I'm tired but they enjoy themselves regardless. And I let them.

The doona calls me back and I explain that I can't because I need to work. He seems to understand. He watches me dress and says nothing because the voices are moaning. They are upset about something and I feel it's because of my clothes. I change again and again until they stop, until they're happy.

I lock the house and scan the area. The voices warn me. I unlock the house and check again. Something is not right. Their tone is beginning to scare me . The voices are yelling. I am dressed for work and the voices are yelling.

A car drives by. I am being watched. It's been happening for a while. Spies everywhere. I am frazzled like the woman I visit, because the voices are yelling and now spies are everywhere.

I go back into the house and I take off my shoes. Blue shoes. The voices stop and I remember today is Wednesday and the voices don't like blue on Wednesday. I'm exhausted but relieved. The voices have stopped and I wonder if the spies have gone and if they know the blue rule.

I have a problem. My black shoes are dirty and ripped and I can't wear them to work. I would be a laughing stock and the voices would get cross. I sit down while the kettle makes me a cup of tea and decide that going to work will have to wait. So much for the good start to my day.

I am angry with the voices and they know it. I lash out and tea splashes everywhere. I don't care. It's only my second best china cup. The spies stole my favourite.

The doona yells something obscene at me and I blush. The voices giggle. They like the doona and push me towards my bed. I'm angry. I want to go to work not bed.

The chorus of voices escalates and I remember. Today I can't wear blue. Today I can't go to work. May as well go back to sleep.

I cocoon myself in my doona.

I am safe.
The voices mutter something but I'm too busy relaxing my toes to care.
Maybe tomorrow.


Till next time...xxx