CHRONICLES OF A LUMPY PERSON: Sleepy

Months ago I wrote about my challenges with sleeping. If you want to read that post, the link is http://lumpyone.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/diary-of-insomniac.html. Well, I'm devastated to report that nothing has changed since then...nothing...nothing...nothing.

# wishfulthinking #not me #wishitwas

Once upon a time in a land long gone ( teenage land), I used to sleep and I used to sleep well. I can still remember my mother's threats as to what she would do to me if I didn't get my sorry butt out of bed ASAP. I didn't care. I had a serious love affair going with my pillow and as in all love stories it was worth taking a risk.

Fast forward to my "almost fifty year old" body and an accompanying state of chronic insomnia and chronic exasperation. Maybe I should have heeded my mother. Is it possible I used all my sleep allotment in my teenage years? Welcome to another night in my life.

9.30 pm - Getting sleepy. Start thinking sleepy thoughts and muttering positive affirmations that I AM going to sleep and I AM going to sleep well (some bs I picked up somewhere about changing my thinking).
10.00pm - Get into bed and kiss husband goodnight.
10.05pm - Husband is asleep and emitting level 1 snoring.
10.10pm - Get out of bed as forgot to take medication and need to use bathroom again.
10.15 pm - Back in bed.

10.30pm - Hear a creaking noise. Worry that we are being broken into. For only the millionth time wish Harry (our dog who passed away 2 years ago) was still around. Run through what Harry would have done to any intruder caught on our property. Run through every break in story I've heard of in the last ten years. Note to self - get quotes on more security screens.
11.00 pm - Get up to investigate creaking noise. Its just the pergola creaking. Note to self to ring and get a quote on replacing said pergola.
11.30pm - Level 2 snoring has started from person next to me. I try to relax but it's impossible.
11.35pm - Lying on my back I feel like I am being suffocated by my reconstructed breasts. I feel like I suddenly have two cannonballs strapped to my chest. So I turn to my right and try to relax. Anyone who thinks fake boobs are desirable should try sleeping with them first.
11.36pm - What's that noise? Bug zapper in the kitchen has caught something and the whole house now smells of dead, burnt bug. Note to self - ask husband to move it so I can see the clock behind it. I don't want to touch the dirty thing.
12.00am - Watch clock tick over to a new day.
12.05am - Muscles in my leg start to throb. Maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm dreaming it. Now is not the time for an attack of sciatica.
12.30am - Apparently yes, it is. Weird convolutions in bed as I try to massage my lower back as the physiotherapist taught me. Note to self - make appointment to see him.
1.00am - Get out of bed and go hunting for pain killers. Move every box in the cupboard to reach box of Nurofen at the back. Grab ipad and glasses and retreat to spare room bed.
1.30am - Wide awake so read Facebook, update blog, talk to people in America, check out Instagram.
2.00am - Tablets starting to work and feeling sleepy. Put ipad away.
2.15am - Need to use bathroom.

2.30am - Wonder who else is awake. Consider ringing father who undoubtedly is also awake.
3.00am - Still awake but at least not in pain. Think boring things to try and trick myself into sleeping. Go through personal medical history.
3.15am - Get up to find a blanket. Can't risk closing the window as noise would wake husband on other side of house and we couldn't have that!
4..00am - I think I must have slept.
5.00am - Hear husband's alarm clock. I refuse to open my eyes.
5.15am - Birds are making a racket. It's ok for them. They have slept. Still refuse to open eyes but note to self - consider investing in a cat to scare the birds away.
6.30am - Ignore alarm.
7.00am - Ignore phone call.
7.30am - Ignore another phone call.
8.00am - Ignore texts.
9.00am - Get out of bed. Good morning. Give me coffee and nobody dies...not even the birds.