CHRONICLES OF A LUMPY PERSON: DESPERATELY SEEKING HEATHER

My body is playing games. It's reminding me ever so subtly that it's around and needs care. It's doing

so in a very frustrating and embarrassing way. Introducing the "almost faint".

Yes I've taken to having "almost faints" or mini blackouts. These used to happen when I was a teenager (much to my parents horror), except back then I actually fainted.

" Mum, I'm going to faint"

" Oh for goodness sake. There's nothing wrong with you. Don't think about it"

Me - clonk...once holding two litres of orange juice...that showed her!!!

Another time and another faint my doctor father decided I must be low in calcium. My mother literally chained me to the bed and made me every cheese dish she could think of. It was the best two days ever!

I'm not overly happy with the current situation. So far I've had a number of shop attendants attempt to catch me. One told me she was studying cardiovascular medicine and I needed my heart checked. I almost threw my coffee at her. "Don't jinx me woman!"

After an unsuccessful shopping trip today where the younger daughter had to drive me home, after I almost fainted on a little Asian man, I decided the time had come to visit a doctor.

Now if you know me you will know that I resist visiting new doctors if I can help it. My medical history is just too extensive and I just can't be bothered going through the nonsense with anyone new. My GP, Dr Heather is one of my favourite people not only because she knows all my history but because she puts up with me. But she is steadfastly refusing to move to the city with me, so grumble, grumble, grumble...let's go doctor shopping once more. Can't keep "almost fainting" on people can I ? ( sigh)

I'm really hard on my doctors. I size them up and judge them in a couple of seconds and find it hard to change my mind once I've pre judged them. Terrible...I know, but that's how it is when you have a crappy body. You don't tolerate fools and I've met a few in my time.

First impressions were not good. If I'm first on the evening list at 6 pm I tend to get a bit irritated if the doctor doesn't arrive till 6.30pm. Honest to goodness woman. You only work two shifts a week.

Second impression- dressed smartly and looked me in the eye when she smiled. Forgiven for lateness but mentally noted that no apology given. Let's move on...

(Essence of dialogue sprinkled with some poetic license).

What can I do for you?

I'm getting fainting spells.

Why are you getting fainting spells?

You tell me...you're the doctor.

Your ears are fine, your heart is fine.

Haha cardiovascular medical student, HEARD THAT?

Are you basically healthy?

Could you be bleeding?

Internally...maybe.

Why do you say that?

( groan)

I have Cowdens syndrome.

Cow what?

Cowdens. It's a pten syndrome.

What's pten?

Can I charge YOU a fee if I tell you?

I've never heard of it.

Most haven't...I promise I haven't made it up.

I'll have to look it up.

Knock yourself out.

SO with this pten what makes you think you could be bleeding?

BECAUSE I have a lot of hamartomas in my bowel. This is common in Cowdens.

(At this stage I'm almost certain she had no idea what a hamartoma was but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she was starting to bore me).

So, could it be your periods?

I have no uterus.

Could it be your thyroid?

I have no thyroid.

Maybe it's sugars.

Maybe it is.

Let's do some blood tests. Maybe another doctor can give you the results because I'm not in for another week.

When no doubt you'll be late again.

Thank you for coming.

Pleasure all mine.

Grumble, grumble, grumble. Head to reception desk holding wall to avoid "almost faint".

Doctor has charged you for a double appointment.