JUST CALL ME THE CRISIS QUEEN!

 You all know by now that it is permanently crisis central in my home. So today when I came across an article about " National Preparedness Month"in America, I thought I might learn a thing or two. Apparently very few households in America are truly prepared for an emergency, disaster or a crisis! So, a few words of wisdom were offered:

• Be organised so that you don't have to lean heavily on community services.
• Take care of family first.
• Engage neighbours in a " how to respond to a disaster" conversation and assign responsibilities.
• Prepare a disaster kit which is big enough to last you 3 days on your own.

As self - designated crisis queen here is my response:

1. No matter how organised you are, no matter how tight your schedule is, no matter the fine tuning to fit appointments onto your calendar ... you will need to call an ambulance at a moment which does not fit in with any of the planning.
2. You will undoubtedly end up in the E.D with some pre- pubescent wannabe doctor, with less knowledge than you have on what is wrong with yourself or your daughter. No amount of preparedness will prepare you for the urge you have to control ... which is to punch his lights out. You will have to smile, breathe and resist.
3. This visit to the E.D will more than likely occur without the knowledge of your neighbours, who will only realise you're gone when the postman starts putting your mail in their postbox or when the house is engulfed by weeds.You will undoubtedly have to have your " how to respond to a disaster" conversation by text or e-mail. Be prepared for them to think you are a phony as they would only have seen you a couple of hours prior and therefore are likely to think you are an impostor.
4. Your disaster kit will ALWAYS be a disaster. You will not pack enough underwear. You will pack clothes for the wrong season and shoes that do not match. You will pack the lipstick that is almost dead, the hair brush that IS dead and the pj's your mother would hate to see you wearing. If you pack a jumper you will need shorts. If you pack shorts they will be the ones you normally only wear at home because of the permanent stain. And you will have to wear them every other day for three weeks.
5. A crisis will always unfold the day before your hair appointment to have your hair coloured and always when your legs are at their hairiest.
6. You will not think about packing food in your disaster kit, even though you have just started your no grains.com diet. You will assume wrongly that in the city everything is available, but forget that in the hospital this wont be so. And while you eat your bread roll and scratch at your rashes you will think wistfully about all the effort you have put into this way of eating, how easy it was to fail and how good the bread tastes.
7.  Things you will remember to pack in your disaster kit are your phone, Ipad and chargers. You will however  forget to take the charger to the hospital and inevitably your phone will die on you. This will always happen when you are at lunch eating that bread roll and the doctor has come for a visit you have waited four hours for. 
8. While your phone IS charged you will do the right thing and update family first. As both families are quite big ( and you are in the middle of a crisis) , you will send a group text to cover all members. Without a doubt your mother will require her own thread asking super important questions like, " how long since she's eaten?", " did they give her something to eat yet?" and " what do you think they'll give her for dinner?".
9. While waiting for your child to come out of life saving surgery use your time on your phone well as you do not know where your next power point may be...assuming you've brought the charger of course. Using your time well means updating your status on Facebook , improving your candy crush level and taking selfies. It does not include replying to people who only speak to you during a disaster.
10. Remember to look after yourself during the disaster. Exercise is important and walking to and from the cafeteria and to and from the toilet counts. Bicep curls with coffee cups and chasing cute doctors with your imaginary ailments are all perfectly acceptable forms of exercise during a crisis.
11.  Don't forget to include some change in your disaster pack to pay for your parking at the hospital. Credit cards work too. However rest assured that whichever pay station you go to wont be working and you will have to walk half a kilometer to the next. When you get there you will find it doesn't take credit cards and you are 10 cents short to pay... every single time.

I think I'll give up being prepared. What's the use???

Till next time...xxx

CRISIS QUEEN OVER AND OUT!