FAT BUTTS AND OTHER STUFF

Today is pre hospital day. Tomorrow I'm having some lumps removed so that sitting down ( which I'm quite partial to), is not painful anymore. Who knew, that my once fat bottom actually served a purpose and protected me from feeling what was lurking underneath ? Anyway I'm one step ahead of this damn lump growing condition. They will be out this time tomorrow and I can resume sitting on my butt without discomfort.

Speaking of fat butts, yesterday I bought a pair of jeans. I stood in Kmart looking at them wondering

if I should or shouldn't buy them. My fat girl mentality was still there, in overdrive. As I already own jeans and don't have heaps of money, I decided to only buy them if  I could fit into a smaller size. Then I looked at the cost - $7!!!  This was ridiculously cheap and worth risking jeans not fitting. It was too cold to disrobe in Kmart so I took my jeans and myself home to " experiment". They fit. They are not the best quality but I don't care, because they are a positive sign in what has been a tumultuous journey, since my gastric sleeve operation last year. I may never wear them out of the house, but I might keep them forever as proof that all good things come to those who work for them, as I am doing.

My sister asked me recently if I felt "happier" now I could fit into smaller sizes. My answer shocked her because I said no, I never felt unhappy at the size I used to be. She was a tad disbelieving but it's pure truth. My happiness has never been linked to the size of clothes I could fit into. To be totally honest, my happiness was probably linked to what went into my mouth. I loved and still love food, but am developing a new relationship with food. It is taking time and patience.

There have been a few changes that have accompanied my weight loss that are worth sharing. Some of these annoy me more than make me happy, but what the hell, it is what it is.

1. People soon forget what you used to look like. I never will because I have photos of my old self up on the fridge door. I look at this photo regularly and realise that I haven't got to the stage of accepting the changes in my body and still think that this may all be temporary. You can't go from big to small without the brain taking time to catch up. It's really odd when you look at the photo and then at yourself in the mirror. Who am I? Where have I gone?
2. Shop assistants don't know the old you. They don't realise that when I buy something to wear, some of the old baggage is still around and therefore I need time to decide. This has more to do with limitations I've placed on myself over time. Who cares what your arms, legs look like really? I agree but if you've been covering up for a while, the confidence to not do so may take time. So, be patient with me. I haven't seen my arms and legs in years.
   
3. I used to take great comfort in shopping at one particular store called Taking Shape. I loved the colours, the style and the quality of the garments and 90% of what I bought came from there. I felt like an abandoned child when I realised I was now too little for these clothes. It was scary stuff having to venture into new stores. I once had an experience in Melbourne where a shop assistant looked me up and down and told me she had nothing in my size, before she even said hello. In fact she never did. After that rudeness, plus size stores became a safety and a one stop shop. There are some stores I haven't been into in years, for fear of being ridiculed again. The fact that I can now fit into their clothes and probably won't have to suffer that again, is a hard fact to swallow and is going to take time to get used to.
4. Plane flights are different. No more trolleys bumping into you. No more looks of disgust when you ask for a belt extender. AND no more worries that you will be the subject of an Internet story, because you've taken up your seating partner's space. You will also realise how totally yucky plane food is, because your taste buds are all different and no longer into twenty variations of preservatives. ( Read this for more: https://medium.com/@thefatshadow/what-it-s-like-to-be-that-fat-person-sitting-next-to-you-on-the-plane-85006e263778#.evrf6fim0)
5. Shoes. Say no more. Now this does make me happy. One to one and a half shoe sizes smaller opens up a new world. This was an unexpected pleasure due to loss of fluid in extremities, but also sad when you realise what you've missed out on!
   
6. Dining out becomes more about the people whose company you're enjoying than the food. With a sleeve what you can eat is minuscule and cafes don't do that size! It takes a bit of getting used to, but you do learn to share, take doggy bags and order entrees and eat half. It's a totally different mindset and habit and people need to be patient with you.
7. I think I've mentioned this before. People who used to casually allude to your weight will move  on to criticising something else. To some people you will never be perfect and that's ok because the only opinion of yourself that matters is the one you hold. The world is full of judgemental people so cultivate a sense of deafness.

There are lots of other points which I guess I'll write about with time. But I suppose my message here is that every person is on a journey which we may never fully understand. Therefore we need to back down and shut up and not assume what is best for other people. We need to watch our body language,  our tone of voice and not  " fat or skinny shame" via social media or in person. Live and let live.

I'm learning how to be comfortable in my new body. It's taking time. Now go away and let me try my jeans on again, just in case it was all a dream.

 

Till next time ...xxx

ST