I'M FINE

A number of people have made contact with me recently asking why I haven't updated my blog. I

have been going through a few dilemmas with regard to my blog, so I thought I'd try to explain.

This post may have no order to it. Try to keep up!

When people look at me very often all they see is a woman with health issues. There is no escaping this. People ask how my health is all the time. They forget to ask about the other parts of me. People are kind, but lately I've been wanting to be noticed for other things other than disease. I'm a wife, a mother, a teacher. I have hobbies and some  I'm actually good it!. And...oh yes...I have CS.

When people listen to me they don't understand why I'm not "fixed". They don't understand that I will never, ever be fixed. There is no pill, no surgery, no doctor on the planet that can fix me. I just have to soldier on unfixed and broken.

Sometimes saying " I'm fine" pisses me right off. I am never fine. I have good days and I have bad days, but I am never fine. With the considerable weight loss I've had I can feel every tumour in my body. Sitting for long periods is uncomfortable due to tumours in my butt and back. They're benign and that's all doctors care about. But I'm not fine. I'm in pain...a lot. Benign tumours can be painful.

I worry a lot and lately more than usual. I keep quiet about a lot of it because people don't always want to or need to know. I worry about cancer all the time and I feel quite alone about this, because doctors only deal with what is, not what isn't. This doesn't help me after two cancer diagnoses and a body as lumpy as hell. And I know it's easy to say to someone to try not to think about it, but that doesn't work. I think of cancer every day. Every time I undress for a shower and see my reconstructions, they still fill me with fear.

Sometimes a week of doctor's appointments can silence me for a while. Because I don't live in the city appointments are scheduled close together. In one week my daughter and I can attend more appointments and undergo more procedures than a " normal" person in a lifetime. This drains you. Last week I held my daughter while she sobbed with fear after her breast check up. I know how she feels so all I can do is be there and bargain with God. Then there was my endoscopy to try and inflate a stomach that will not hold food. The tears started as the hospital came into view. I spent six weeks locked up in that place, and there I was about to go through a dilatation of my stomach to help me eat, a procedure with a risk of perforation once more. The procedure appears to have been successful and Ashton has a leave pass from that doctor for a year, but the week took its toll, physically and mentally.

And I suppose there is life in general to cope with. There are the problems everyone deals with- family issues, financial issues, work issues etc. Add them into the mix!

I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it to explain why sometimes I'm quiet on the blog. But it does give an insight into life with a chronic condition. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good in my life. Just sometimes I need time away. Blog statistics don't worry me anymore. The blog started as therapy and like all therapy it needs to be regular. I'm just redefining regular.

For those of you with CS, my door is always open. I get you. You don't have to tell me you're fine.

Till next time...xxx
ST