CHRISTMAS CRAZY!

With the season of ho ho ho approaching I am being reminded on a daily basis that it's time that I got myself into action. I've tried to pretend it's not December for a few weeks now. Six weeks in hospital and ten weeks on a restricted ( close to nothing) diet have washed my Christmas spirit down the
drain.

No this isn't a bah humbug sort of post. Far from it! I love Christmas, going to Christmas mass, eating special food ( she says hopefully), hanging out with friends and family. What I don't like is the pressure I feel in the build up. Even though this year my family are having a " laid back" Christmas, I still feel what I'm going to call "Christmas anxiety". In my experience there is no such thing as a laid back Christmas.

Now the husband says I stress too much and others tell me " chill, it will all work out". But how is this even possible? If I didn't stress there would be no presents, no food, no tree, no nothing. And guess whose face would fall first. I'll give you a hint - my big kid over 50!

So with my "Christmas anxiety" in all its glory I braced myself for a shopping expedition. Prior to leaving I tried to put off the inevitable with the help of Facebook. In fifteen minutes I learnt all sorts of things- what I should cook for Christmas, what anyone who is anyone will be wearing on Christmas, how to prevent arguments with the husband on Christmas and how to decorate my house for the festive season on a budget. With my anxiety suitably fed, I decided the time had come to leave.A kilometre down the road I had to swerve to miss a car that was driving like a lunatic. The car was adorned with Rudolph antlers and a big shiny red nose on the front. This reindeer imitation scared the hell out of me and frankly I think Santa needs to exert a bit more control over these Rudolph wannabes.

Arriving at the shopping centre in one piece, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I could do this. I did not need to stress. I could chill. I could walk in, do my shopping and leave in one piece. My brain asked me which piece I'd like to leave in and reminded me that in hospital, my heart began playing up when my anxiety levels were too high. Thanks for the support brain.

I walked passed a bunch of young Mums with babies, waiting to have photos with Santa. I smiled as I remembered doing exactly the same with both girls. Ashton was a photographer's delight because she laughed hysterically at anything. Santa was actually not needed. Ciara was never too sure about this guy in red and I doubt I ever got a Santa photo with her smiling. Oh well, that's kids for you. Maybe I need to explain this to the woman I just over heard saying " smile damn you, to her little baby". Joy to the world, there's always one.

The present buying bit went well because I gave up very quickly and bought vouchers. Yes I'm pathetic, but there was nothing I would want to receive let alone give and so rather than turn into a Christmas crazy, I took the easy route out. With the credit card in respiratory distress, I ran out of the shops. Part 1 ( presents) done. Part 2 ( food) coming soon. If anyone sees wannabe Rudolph, could you ask him what day he won't be on the road.

Off to wrap presents,

Till next time...xxx ST

FOR A GOOD FRIEND

The word PAIN has so many meanings:

It pained me to see the hundreds of refugees on TV.
Watching my favourite football team lose in the grand-final was painful.
I'm still in a bit of pain after my recent operation.

How can one word be used in so many different ways and how do we compare? If pain means...well pain of course...what is the extreme? What is the worst example of pain you can come up with?

For me the worst example of pain is when your child is seriously ill and I am reminded of this today because I know that a friend is going through hell. Both she and her daughter have Cowden's syndrome and at the moment she is worrying about a procedure her daughter must undergo next week which could yield something nasty.This is the worst sort of pain.

You carry your child for nine months - less if your body is impatient like mine! You watch what you eat, drink and do, so as to protect the child. You raise them and you do everything to make sure they are fed,clean, clothed and exposed to all sorts of experiences that life offers. You are their life and they are yours. And then suddenly a medical condition appears and you no longer have control. You can't plan and you can't make decisions. The condition is now in charge.

Yes, I am speaking from experience. Those of you who have been with me for a while and especially those who have read my book, will know the anguish I went through with my eldest daughter's health. Like my friend, both my daughter and I have Cowden's syndrome and in my daughter's case it attacked in her brain. Procedure after procedure ensued and each time I sat there helpless in a state of panic because something was harming my baby and I couldnt control it or fix it. This my friends is pain, excruciating pain.

You can't help yourself. You live the past in vivid colour and remember the years before in minute detail. You try not to fall into  "what ifs" about the future because that's too painful and likely to tip you over the edge. The present is unbearable.

My daughter today is stable. Stable does not mean fixed. It just means that for the time being the nasty syndrome effects are being kept at bay. She is currently on a three week holiday and she left with a list of dos and don'ts from me as long as my arm. She may be 21 but she is still my child. Much as I love seeing her live her life, the  " what ifs " are always there.

So, back to my friend. I want you to know I feel your pain. I feel your tears and I feel your hopelessness. I also hope this bout of pain is temporary. You have my prayers that all goes well and the issue is resolved. Your daughter is tough. She has proved that many times.

To those who read this maybe you can fire a prayer to heaven for this young girl and her parents.

Virtual hugs,

Till next time...xxST

TOTALLY PISSED OFF

After a nightmare six weeks in hospital its a little hard to get back into the real world. Everything is too fast and too loud. I am also 19kg lighter which means  I have nothing that fits me properly. So it seems I am destined to become a recluse because people and clothes are proving to be a problem!

On a more serious note, I am healing well but as I had stomach surgery, eating is still a problem. When this period is over I don't want to see soup for a very long time. There are only so many ways you can make soup appetising, and its getting to the point where I may as well just eat the sour cream instead of the soup I'm adding it to. Don't suggest a different soup. I am over soup in all forms especially since the Australian summer has officially begun.

In my last post I wrote "eternally confused as to why I always need to be the one who does things the hardest way possible". This is still fresh in my mind as the husband and I deal with the next incident on our return home. What should have been so simple (the simple act of returning home after a long absence) has turned into a nightmare. In our absence, a pipe has burst in our bathroom and has ruined most of our bathroom, bedroom, passageway and a piece of furniture.It is quite simply unbelievable. Hollywood script writers would love my life! They would never run out of ideas.

So much has gone wrong in the last few weeks and I didn't let anything beat me. But I feel quite beaten when I look at the damage in my house. This is especially so in my bedroom which is really my happy place. I actually feel sorry for myself and I feel angry. After such a traumatic time away the husband and I deserve better. We do not deserve to come home and have to deal with this.

I always tell my kids that someone is doing it worse regardless of what has happened. I tell them that they can sook for 24 hours and that after that they need to pull their socks up and move on. Usually this advice works well for them and for me, but not today. 24 hours has passed and I am still angry, fuming, full of pity and totally pissed off. Can't help it!

Everybody jokes that I have upset a Chinaman. I'm not sure where that saying has come from but I think I have upset a whole country of Chinamen. For the record here is my official apology to the Chinamen:

Dear Chinamen, whatever I did I am sorry. You may wish to tell me sometime what I did that was so bad, because I feel I have been sufficiently punished. Let me refresh your memory from the last few years - rare disease diagnosis, two lots of cancer, career down the plug hole, daughter diagnosed with very dangerous condition, daughter diagnosed with same rare disease, bank balance in tears, hole in stomach, pneumonia and pleurisy AND NOW  a water logged house!!!

I AM SORRY - PLEASE LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE NOW.

If anyone is looking for me I am at home sulking and airing my smelly house.

Till next time...xxx

ST



PS While I was in the hospital CHRONICLES OF A LUMPY PERSON turned 2!!! We will celebrate another time xxx