IF YOU TRULY TRY, THEN THAT'S ENOUGH

        

So, after sitting for some time,once again looking for inspiration to pour out of my computer screen, I decided it wasn't happening and I was ready to go without a blog post this week. Within one minute of this thought and decision, the above quote appeared on Google plus. Some might say its coincidence, others divine intervention. Me I think its a kick in the butt to keep trying.

Now if the husband was here he would say I'm very "trying", so I just want to make it quite clear that the trying I am talking about has to do with effort and "carrying on" , not the one where someone is gritting their teeth at you in exasperation.

As I type, my FED (favourite eldest daughter) is sitting a university statistics exam. This is an important exam, because it is a compulsory unit and therefore can not be swapped out of. There is no way out of this except forward, which is a problem if you're not mathematically inclined and it all feels like mumbo jumbo. I know that Ashton has been very worried about this exam and has done her best to prepare for it, even deactivating her facebook account to minimise disruptions!

So, once you've done  your best to prepare, all you can do is get into the exam and give it a " red hot go". Try as hard as you can! Do your best and when its over walk out!

That is all anyone can expect of you - try your best! That doesn't always equate with success but it allows you to look yourself in the eye (use a mirror for best results) and say " I couldn't have done anything more. I tried my hardest". "After event" guilt only sets in when you know you haven't tried your hardest and that you haven't used the potential you have. That's my theory anyway and I'm sticking to it.

By the time my daughter reads this post, it will be all over and life will go on. That's a definite. Pass or fail, life goes on and sometimes it just needs to be all put into perspective. Tomorrow will come, the day after will too. When you've given your all, if its meant to be, it will be. Otherwise its a fork in the road and we change direction.

I hope not, because she loves this course apart from this one unit! Come on Ashton, you can do it!

I had a similar experience in my university years. I was studying to be a dentist (I think I've written about that before), but found the practical work to be too challenging. Looking back that's about the time my hand tremor was starting off. I tried my hardest but it wasn't to be. Two weeks after most people had completed their practical work, I was still sitting there and I snapped. Enough was enough. Effort does not always equate with success and that is a big life lesson to learn. Was I disappointed? Of course. But I had arrived at a fork in the road and had to change direction. Some things are not meant to be.

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.”
― George E. Woodberry

Another "trying" event is taking place this Friday, when Ashton's medical team once again attempt to remove the fistula from her neck and to make sure that the place were the one in the brain was, is still behaving. For those who are new to our story, Ashton has had two serious AVM's ( arteriovenous malformations), which doctors have been trying (there's that word again) to tame for almost two years. This is a serious condition and one which has tried to control our lives for two years now.

My daughter is strong and feisty and she will beat this. At the very least she will get to a stage where it is manageable.

The last time Ashton had surgery, I asked for a circle of prayers worldwide. It gave me comfort to know that the arms of prayer were encircled around my daughter.  Could I please ask for this again this Friday 12th June? Please at some time during the day thank the good Lord for what he has done for us so far and for blessings on Ashton's doctors to further their work. Her father, sister and I together with our extended family would really appreciate this.

If you could just leave your country in the comments, I will enjoy telling Ashton how far and wide her prayer circle has extended.

Thank you in advance and may God bless you all xx

Till next time...xxx

4 DAYS TO GO

OK...FOUR DAYS TO GO!!!

This Friday Ashton is back in surgery for work on the fistula in her neck. It's been a long three weeks waiting for this procedure and we are almost there. As she says its nerve wracking but we are so close now, we're keeping it all together.

Well, I'm drumming up support worldwide. Prayers have started everywhere and I'm hoping for the same feeling I've had before, of a world wide circle of prayer around her. After that as I said on Facebook and many times before, it's in God's hands.

Oh by the way... I tweeted the Pope. Yes he has a Twitter name @ pontifex, so I tweeted him and asked him to pray for my daughter. Will be over the moon if I get a reply.

The husband gets here in three days and then we are ready for the warrior support Ashton needs. I can't wait till he gets here. I really need him by my side. Ciara is working during the surgery. It's her way of keeping busy because waiting does do your head in.

Meanwhile, the book is going well and after this Friday I will finish it. It's rather surreal to revisit some of the last few months but also uplifting when I see the progress that has been made. Regardless  of whether I publish it or not, it's kept me busy and focused.

I may post quite a bit in the next couple of weeks. Hope you don't mind! I need to keep my anxiety levels down and writing is my way.

If you want to leave words of encouragement for my brave 20 year old, feel free and I will make sure she sees them. 25 days till her 21 st birthday and God willing all will be so much better by then .

Till next time...xxx

FRUSTRATION, PATIENCE AND BROWNIES

I have been staring at a computer screen for days trying to overcome the writers block which has overtaken me. You see I can't think straight anymore and I find I also can't talk without effort. I certainly can't be creative and to a certain extent creativity is required in a blog. At one stage I even considered deleting it all so that I wouldn't have to write any more.

This story you see is starting to take its toll on me. Waking up every day and facing what is in store is draining the heart out of me.

Last week we found out  that the fistula in Ashton's neck has grown considerably . You may remember that the doctor was on a mission to destroy this fistula back in November, when a problem in her thyroid stopped proceedings. Investigations followed and  plans were made to reassess in another year. Problem solved....or so I thought.

You would have thought it was then a simple case of getting back to the original plan. Hell no! First it took over two weeks for a report to reach Ashton's doctor. By that stage he was off on leave to welcome baby number 3. (!!!) Then it was Christmas. Then it was New Year and THEN he went on holidays.

Now we certainly don't begrudge him his down time. This doctor and his team work bloody hard. But when we finally got to a review early January and found out the fistula had grown significantly, we didn't expect to have to wait another 3 weeks to get to theatre.

Yes, I know about triage. I get triage, but I don't like it when my daughter's condition has become worse. But its pointless isn't it? Its pointless to moan because there is nothing I can say or do to influence the tight schedules and tight budgets  these doctors work under. All we can do is carry on and pray.

                                                      
And eat chocolate. A friend just brought me a plate of homemade brownies and they are to die for.

My support crew has gone into overdrive. My news feed and messenger is filled with  positivity and prayers and virtual cuddles. They can tell that I am close to breaking point. But...that is not an option.It never has been.

Last night I messaged another mother whose teenage son is going through a shockingly similar situation. I needed someone who gets it. She told me not to let the Devil get a foothold in my mind. Now I'm Catholic and we don't seem to talk much about the Devil, but for some reason this comment made sense. Don't let your mind be full of negative thoughts. Don't let these thoughts take over your thinking. Just remember God is on the case. 

 I get it.I've always got it. I just forget and lose hope every so often.

Today was no better. Ashton developed a headache overnight and though I suspect the assignment due today was a contributing factor, she has no option but to head to the ED and submit for more tests. Stress? Tension? Fistula ? Who knows? There is no extra blockage, so this time it might be a normal people's headache. Shame she can't manage it like a normal person would. Imagine if we all had to go to the ED everytime we had a headache. Saturday mornings would be crowded!

So that's the 19th almost done with and that means 18 days till surgery. Let's hope this fistula doesn't increase anymore in the meantime. Enough is enough.

Till next time...xxx