FAT BUTTS AND OTHER STUFF

Today is pre hospital day. Tomorrow I'm having some lumps removed so that sitting down ( which I'm quite partial to), is not painful anymore. Who knew, that my once fat bottom actually served a purpose and protected me from feeling what was lurking underneath ? Anyway I'm one step ahead of this damn lump growing condition. They will be out this time tomorrow and I can resume sitting on my butt without discomfort.

Speaking of fat butts, yesterday I bought a pair of jeans. I stood in Kmart looking at them wondering

if I should or shouldn't buy them. My fat girl mentality was still there, in overdrive. As I already own jeans and don't have heaps of money, I decided to only buy them if  I could fit into a smaller size. Then I looked at the cost - $7!!!  This was ridiculously cheap and worth risking jeans not fitting. It was too cold to disrobe in Kmart so I took my jeans and myself home to " experiment". They fit. They are not the best quality but I don't care, because they are a positive sign in what has been a tumultuous journey, since my gastric sleeve operation last year. I may never wear them out of the house, but I might keep them forever as proof that all good things come to those who work for them, as I am doing.

My sister asked me recently if I felt "happier" now I could fit into smaller sizes. My answer shocked her because I said no, I never felt unhappy at the size I used to be. She was a tad disbelieving but it's pure truth. My happiness has never been linked to the size of clothes I could fit into. To be totally honest, my happiness was probably linked to what went into my mouth. I loved and still love food, but am developing a new relationship with food. It is taking time and patience.

There have been a few changes that have accompanied my weight loss that are worth sharing. Some of these annoy me more than make me happy, but what the hell, it is what it is.

1. People soon forget what you used to look like. I never will because I have photos of my old self up on the fridge door. I look at this photo regularly and realise that I haven't got to the stage of accepting the changes in my body and still think that this may all be temporary. You can't go from big to small without the brain taking time to catch up. It's really odd when you look at the photo and then at yourself in the mirror. Who am I? Where have I gone?
2. Shop assistants don't know the old you. They don't realise that when I buy something to wear, some of the old baggage is still around and therefore I need time to decide. This has more to do with limitations I've placed on myself over time. Who cares what your arms, legs look like really? I agree but if you've been covering up for a while, the confidence to not do so may take time. So, be patient with me. I haven't seen my arms and legs in years.
   
3. I used to take great comfort in shopping at one particular store called Taking Shape. I loved the colours, the style and the quality of the garments and 90% of what I bought came from there. I felt like an abandoned child when I realised I was now too little for these clothes. It was scary stuff having to venture into new stores. I once had an experience in Melbourne where a shop assistant looked me up and down and told me she had nothing in my size, before she even said hello. In fact she never did. After that rudeness, plus size stores became a safety and a one stop shop. There are some stores I haven't been into in years, for fear of being ridiculed again. The fact that I can now fit into their clothes and probably won't have to suffer that again, is a hard fact to swallow and is going to take time to get used to.
4. Plane flights are different. No more trolleys bumping into you. No more looks of disgust when you ask for a belt extender. AND no more worries that you will be the subject of an Internet story, because you've taken up your seating partner's space. You will also realise how totally yucky plane food is, because your taste buds are all different and no longer into twenty variations of preservatives. ( Read this for more: https://medium.com/@thefatshadow/what-it-s-like-to-be-that-fat-person-sitting-next-to-you-on-the-plane-85006e263778#.evrf6fim0)
5. Shoes. Say no more. Now this does make me happy. One to one and a half shoe sizes smaller opens up a new world. This was an unexpected pleasure due to loss of fluid in extremities, but also sad when you realise what you've missed out on!
   
6. Dining out becomes more about the people whose company you're enjoying than the food. With a sleeve what you can eat is minuscule and cafes don't do that size! It takes a bit of getting used to, but you do learn to share, take doggy bags and order entrees and eat half. It's a totally different mindset and habit and people need to be patient with you.
7. I think I've mentioned this before. People who used to casually allude to your weight will move  on to criticising something else. To some people you will never be perfect and that's ok because the only opinion of yourself that matters is the one you hold. The world is full of judgemental people so cultivate a sense of deafness.

There are lots of other points which I guess I'll write about with time. But I suppose my message here is that every person is on a journey which we may never fully understand. Therefore we need to back down and shut up and not assume what is best for other people. We need to watch our body language,  our tone of voice and not  " fat or skinny shame" via social media or in person. Live and let live.

I'm learning how to be comfortable in my new body. It's taking time. Now go away and let me try my jeans on again, just in case it was all a dream.

 

Till next time ...xxx

ST

GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH IT

This blog means the world to me. It has helped me through many crises and been so therapeutic. But

in the last two weeks I have found it hard to write and that in itself is not too unusual for me. You see when Cowden's syndrome (CS) rears its ugly head, it drains me physically and mentally. People with a chronic disease will understand what I mean. It sometimes takes only a little bit of extra stress to render you incapable of much. And that's how its been.

It started with my eldest daughter visiting her neurologist and with him deciding that for health and safety reasons she needed to stop driving for the next 12 months. We suspected that this was coming but this did nothing to prepare us both for the shock when it arrived. My daughter was visibly shattered and I didn't blame her one iota. She is 22 and to lose your driving freedom at that age is a terrible thing. It makes you dependent on others at a time you crave independence.

But for those who know my daughter personally, you won't be surprised when I tell you that within a couple of hours, she had found positives in the situation. She was going to get fit walking. She was going to save lots of money on petrol and parking. She wasn't going to let this stupid disease win. How she always manages to find the good in every situation amazes me. It is a real gift. I am so proud of the woman she is becoming and how she steadfastly refuses to bow to CS.

Me on the other hand not so good. Your first reaction as a parent is to help, support and shield your child. It's an automatic reaction and God help anyone who gets in the way. I'll drive you. I'll be your personal chauffeur. You won't be disadvantaged or miss out, I promise. And then reality stepped in and yelled for me to stop it. I live 4 1/2 hours drive away. This was not always going to be possible and she would have to manage and sort it out herself most of the time. I was gutted, but I knew she would manage.

With all the above going on in the background, it was also time for two specialist appointments of my own. Let me tell you its been an expensive week! First stop the endocrinologist resulted in a blood test, a urine test and a bone scan. The bone scan lady looked excited that it was my first time. Please! Some people need to stop trying so hard. The second visit to the plastic surgeon resulted in removal of two lumps under a local anaesthetic. One of these was more like a growth than a lump and was above my lip. After months of people asking me what it was and my mother telling me to wipe my face after every meal (I'm almost 50), I decided to have it removed. Now it's gone people are still asking me what is wrong with my lip, but hopefully with time it will fade. Next week there will be more of the same. There will be more lumps removed, this time under general anaesthetic. Such an exciting life I lead...not. But at least no more pain for a while.

I spoke to a colleague today who has known me a long, long time. She asked how we were all going and I told her the truth that the last two weeks had been hard. We both agreed that despite the road blocks we have to navigate, life goes on, because there is no other choice. You wake up, put a smile on your face and get on with it. I used to have a sign in my classroom that the kids and I came up with. It said get over it and get on with it. And that's what we do. Some days having a chronic condition is more than I can bear. On those days I sleep, watch Netflix, cook and read. On other days, you throw the doona off and make yourself get out of bed, because if you don't this crappy condition wins. And we couldn't have that could we!

If you are someone going through a hard time, I hope in some way my mantra helps.

Till next time...xxx
ST

DEAR BOY

DEAR BOY

You won't remember me, but I was the substitute teacher in your class the other day. I stood there

watching you and your mates settle in to some work and  listened to all the usual chatter about how boring school was and where exactly was your "normal" teacher. Every time I hear that phrase I smile and imagine I've grown horns, or better still another head, as I'm obviously an " abnormal" teacher.

Unlike your friends you seemed to be having an important conversation, so much so I didn't stop you. I mean it did sound important when you told your friend 
" If you're not happy about yourself, you've got to change".
Your wisdom bowled me over. Your friend is very lucky to have you on his side.

While you all worked quietly ( surprisingly), I kept thinking about what you had said about not being happy and needing to change. And as I thought of many different situations in the lives of myself and others, I realised that the advice was good but needed more depth. It's not enough to realise you've got to change. You also need to know how to change and when to change.

Many years ago I made a very short bucket list. It had two goals on it, well maybe three. They were:

1. To get back to a normal weight.
2. To have breast reduction ( yes, first world problem to some, a real load to carry for me).
3. To spend time in Italy learning to speak Italian from the locals.

Now its obvious that the first two examples were classic examples of not being happy with myself and needing to make changes. But apart from saving the money for number 3, I didn't know what I should be doing to make the necessary changes for any of them. I simply had no idea when or how to start.

In the end life decided to interfere and hijack my bucket list. How, when or why simply became irrelevant.

In my early forties I got breast cancer and ended up with a double mastectomy. Be careful what you wish for - I got my breast reduction. Towards the end of my forties I chose to have bariatric surgery. I got my weight reduction, but almost died in the process. Was I happy to tick both items off my bucket list? Well, no. I found no satisfaction in having the change process taken out of my hands or come to think of it the near death experiences.

So, maybe dear boy, what you should have said is " If you're not happy about yourself, make changes quickly, before " life" intervenes and takes you down a pathway you never intended to be on". It's obvious that I'm not very good at taking my own advice. So I've been thinking that because you're so
wise and you're often sitting on that computer, maybe you could put together a " how to" guide to help me. I'm going to give this " change" thing another go. I have recently extended my bucket list and I need to make some changes to achieve everything. Then I think I'll be very happy. Well I hope so anyway.

Let me share my newly extended bucket list with you:

4. Travel around Australia in a caravan and spend quality time with the husband.

5. Cuddle a chimpanzee. (I've wanted to do this since I was a child).

6. Attend the Australian Rules grandfinal.

7. Cruise the Mediterranean and relax.

8. Make macarons like a pro.

9. Frock up for the Melbourne Cup.

10. Ride a camel or an elephant or both and overcome the fear of doing it.

Now, I've chosen carefully. Give or take an elephant in a mood or a terrorist explosion on my ship, I should be right. There should be no near death experiences here. And yes dear boy we will drive carefully and no we won't go if Collingwood is in the grandfinal...as if that's going to happen any time soon anyway !

So, will you help me? I have my goals, but I just need some ideas on how to achieve them soon, not in another twenty years. I'm getting happy just thinking about this all.

Have a good day! I'm off to look at travel brochures on Italy.

Regards,

The SubstituteTeacher

PS- Dear readers,
                            What is on your bucket list that you've been putting off?
                            What changes should you make immediately to reach that goal?

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

I'm watching an old movie where a man ( Mel Gibson) develops the ability to hear what women are saying " in their thoughts". It drives him insane and makes sitting in a meeting full of women impossibly confusing! He hears what women think. He reads their minds and sometimes what he reads is not what he wants to hear . The psychologist he goes to visit tells him he has a gift and may just be the luckiest guy in the world. It's hilarious. Imagine if men could read womens' thoughts, both good and bad. How much trouble could that get you in! For example, this could have been my week:

1. Monday night on Qantas, flying to Perth, the guy in front of me might have "heard" this - " do you really need to recline your seat on a one hour flight loser. I can't eat my dinner because the tray is all wonky, thanks to your seat being reclined, you inconsiderate, *#%^*^ ".
2. Tuesday at a hospital visit, the guy who eyeballed me in the car park would have got " steal my parking space and I will haunt you for the rest of your life" and
3. Today - "pull your pants up, I don't want to see your jocks" and later " I wanted coffee so I wouldn't hit anyone. You made it so hot I can't drink it...you're in danger, mate!
   

Jokes apart, what would be the benefit of men reading women's minds and how could anyone consider that a gift? If my mind is typical of most womens' minds, then the gift would drive someone crazy, loopy and straight into an asylum. Reason - too many things are on my mind at one time. (Only another woman would get this).

See if you can follow:

Topic arrives in my head - Mother's Day. This then fires off many mini topics and links, so confusing and guaranteed to confuse any mind reading, male " listener ":

It's Mothers Day Sunday.

What shall I get my Mum?

Hope my sister's kids remember.

Must ask her about that dress I bought her.

Hope my red dress for party looks good.

Must work on menu.

Must go food shopping. We're out of fruit.

Fruit - full of sugar or healthy ?

Must make doctors appointment next week.

When are those results coming through? 

Feeling a bit anxious.

Don't think about being anxious. You will ruin Mothers Day

Time from topic arriving to final link - one minute maximum.

Here's another :

Topic - What's for dinner?                              

Hungry

Cook dinner

Must go Woolworths.

Saw Liz last time shopped there.

Wonder how her mother is now.

Must ask Liz about shoes.

God my feet ache.

On my feet all day.

Teaching so tiring.

If that kid does that again, I'm going to scream.

That would be funny.

I wonder if " Big Bang" on tonight?

Must ask Mum.

Must ring Mum.

I'll make her stew for dinner. ( 30 seconds all up)

No folks, the ability to read these female conversations would not be a gift. It would drive males to an early grave as they tried to decipher the chain of thoughts and the oestrogen fuelled logic. In fact ( as a Public Health Service) you are hereby warned to refrain from analysing a woman's mind if you are a man. Do not attempt to cultivate this skill. Stay well away for your own health and well-being.

Don't say I didn't warn you!
Till next time...xxx
ST

MY 10 TIPS FOR SUCCESSFULLY RETURNING TO THE WORKFORCE

Making a decision to return to the workforce can be surprisingly easy, but actually returning to the

workforce and surviving...well that's another story altogether. This year, after an extended absence from paid work due to health issues, I returned to teaching. Here are my top tips for how I managed to do this successfully. 

1. Make a decision by weighing up the pros and cons. If like me you are getting tired of your own company and your bank balance is on a permanently critical level, this won't be too hard a decision to make. Once you decide one way or another, move on. Don't drive your friends and family mad with " should I" and " should I not".
2. Once your decision is made treat yourself to some new clothes. I bought a few new items that I could mix and match to make a number of outfits. There was an obvious monetary expenditure involved, but it was worth it to feel professional and ready for action. I also bought some bright coloured items because they keep my mood uplifted and I've always believed students react positively to teachers wearing bright clothes.
3. If you can afford it, treat yourself to a hairdresser. Have a colour, a trim or whatever you need that fits in with your budget. It's another way of being professional and ready for action.
4. Get organised. My first few days I was diving into my bag for a pen or highlighter. It's too hard really to function like this in a classroom, so I bought a pencil case and got organised and now things are much better. I also bought a big tote bag to carry everything in from classroom to classroom. This is much better than trying to carry heaps in your hands.
5. If like me you will be on your feet for most of the day, invest in the most comfortable shoes you can afford. Trust me on this. (OK, the boots I bought were not strictly speaking necessary, but my husband did ask me if I wanted something for Mother's day. That counts right?)

   

   Tired feet - get it?

6. Prepare your food for the day at home in order to save money. If you must walk into work with coffee, use a travel mug and fill it up at home. You've gone back to work to make money so be careful of squandering it on little things you can do without. Same with lunches. I've started putting a small serve of the previous night's dinner away for lunch the following day. Again if you take food with you to work, you are less likely to head for the work cafeteria or nearby café for your  food. Just one thing I learnt the hard way this week; put your lunch in a fridge at work. Quiche was not really safe to eat once it had sat in my tote bag all day!
7. If you've been out of work for a while, things may have changed. In my case I have moved from a head of department position to a relief ( substitute) teacher position. That's a big difference. Accept the change and move on. There were good reasons for you being out of the workplace, and you may need to build yourself up to where you were before.
   
8. If you've returned to your old workplace, you may find you are a novelty for a while. People ask questions; lots of them! Although in my case it's become a bit tedious, I grit my teeth and bear it. They are just being nice. Some are a bit nosy, but one thing I've learned in my time at home is that lack of company can do my head in. So even the nosy ones I smile at and talk to, because they're company. And here's hoping that I become yesterday's news real soon.
9. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I have started doing some relief work at a different school to what I was used to. They have a totally different computer system and it totally freaked me out the first day. But I asked for help and within one day I had mastered what I needed to know. Another thing was the brand new photocopier machines. I am totally scared of these at the best of times, but especially so when the darn thing jammed on me. Just as I was about to find someone to help, I worked it out. Phew!
10. Maybe it's because I have been through so much in my life, but at the end of each day I try and focus on something good that has happened each day, to give me the courage to go back another day.
    
    The something "bad" would be " you're not a real teacher because you don't work here all the time" or "what qualifications do you need to be a real teacher"? The something "good" occurred Friday after I complimented a sixteen year old boy on his work. He looked shocked, so much so the situation was almost awkward. Finally..." that's the first time ever that a teacher has told me my work is good'. Yes folks, that was my feel good moment for the day! Happy student. Happy teacher.

Hope you all have a great week and that if you're returning to work too, some of these tips help! Please feel free to add your tips in the comments.

Till next time...xxx

ST

DIARY OF AN INSOMNIAC REVISITED

Months ago I wrote about my challenges with sleeping. If you want to read that post, the link is http://lumpyone.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/diary-of-insomniac.html. Well, I'm devastated to report that nothing has changed since then...nothing...nothing...nothing.

# wishfulthinking #not me #wishitwas

Once upon a time in a  land long gone ( teenage land), I used to sleep and I used to sleep well. I can still remember my mother's threats as to what she would do to me if I didn't get my sorry butt out of bed ASAP. I didn't care. I had a serious love affair going with my pillow and as in all love stories it was worth taking a risk.

Fast forward to my "almost fifty year old" body and an accompanying state of chronic insomnia and chronic exasperation. Maybe I should have heeded my mother. Is it possible I used all my sleep allotment in my teenage years? Welcome to another night in my life.

9.30 pm - Getting sleepy. Start thinking sleepy thoughts and muttering positive affirmations that I AM going to sleep and I AM going to sleep well (some bs I picked up somewhere about changing my thinking).
10.00pm - Get into bed and kiss husband goodnight.
10.05pm - Husband is asleep and emitting level 1 snoring.
10.10pm - Get out of bed as forgot to take medication and need to use bathroom again.
10.15 pm - Back in bed.

10.30pm - Hear a creaking noise. Worry that we are being broken into. For only the millionth time wish Harry (our dog who passed away 2 years ago) was still around. Run through what Harry would have done to any intruder caught on our property. Run through every break in story I've heard of in the last ten years. Note to self - get quotes on more security screens.
11.00 pm - Get up to investigate creaking noise. Its just the pergola creaking. Note to self to ring and get a quote on replacing said pergola.
11.30pm - Level 2 snoring has started from person next to me. I try to relax but it's impossible.
11.35pm - Lying on my back I feel like I am being suffocated by my reconstructed breasts. I feel like I suddenly have two cannonballs strapped to my chest. So I turn to my right and try to relax. Anyone who thinks fake boobs are desirable should try sleeping with them first.
11.36pm - What's that noise? Bug zapper in the kitchen has caught something and the whole house now smells of dead, burnt bug. Note to self - ask husband to move it so I can see the clock behind it. I don't want to touch the dirty thing.
12.00am - Watch clock tick over to a new day.
12.05am - Muscles in my leg start to throb. Maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm dreaming it. Now is not the time for an attack of sciatica.
12.30am - Apparently yes, it is. Weird convolutions in bed as I try to massage my lower back as the physiotherapist taught me. Note to self - make appointment to see him.
1.00am - Get out of bed and go hunting for pain killers. Move every box in the cupboard to reach box of Nurofen at the back. Grab ipad and glasses and retreat to spare room bed.
1.30am - Wide awake so read Facebook, update blog, talk to people in America, check out Instagram.
2.00am - Tablets starting to work and feeling sleepy. Put ipad away.
2.15am - Need to use bathroom.

2.30am - Wonder who else is awake. Consider ringing father who undoubtedly is also awake.
3.00am - Still awake but at least not in pain. Think boring things to try and trick myself into sleeping. Go through personal medical history.
3.15am - Get up to find a blanket. Can't risk closing the window as noise would wake husband on other side of house and we couldn't have that!
4..00am - I think I must have slept.
5.00am - Hear husband's alarm clock. I refuse to open my eyes.
5.15am - Birds are making a racket. It's ok for them. They have slept. Still refuse to open eyes but note to self - consider investing in a cat to scare the birds away.
6.30am - Ignore alarm.
7.00am - Ignore phone call.
7.30am - Ignore another phone call.
8.00am - Ignore texts.
9.00am - Get out of bed. Good morning. Give me coffee and nobody dies...not even the birds.

Till next time...xxx
ST

WE STRUGGLE BUT WE DON'T QUIT - GUEST POST 6

This is the last post in the series " We struggle but we don't quit". 

Today we meet Sarah, a 29 year old nurse from Australia. Her endeavours to find proper care and advice for herself, and her ability to soldier on in the face of adversity, are truly inspirational.

INTRODUCING SARAH
What do you do next when all your fighting and pushing for your health doesn't pay off? 

When I look back at the time of diagnosis all I did was advocate and fight for my health. The doctors had no answers. I had no answers and yet I knew that something was wrong. Something deep inside told me that something wasn't right with me, despite what people said.

It wasn't in my head; it wasn't because I was overweight and it wasn't about what I ate. This persistent drive inside of me told me that I should keep going. There had to be a reason to the way I was feeling.

Answers did finally come (a lot more then I expected) - multiple medical conditions meaning multiple doctors, tests and hospital visits. Cowden's was a diagnosis that I was expecting but never wanted. A high risk cancer gene meant I was at risk of a plethora of cancers, and in particular breast cancer. My mum lost her battle to breast cancer when I was 19. I wanted my journey to be different.

Despite the challenges I wanted to be proactive. I continued to research and be my own advocate. I quickly realised that the now infamous blank stare from doctors would become part of my life and that it would be my job to educate doctors and medical professionals. In a small part it gave me a purpose to my medical conditions and gave me control back over things I never asked for.

One of the most particularly frightening things for me was the prospect of breast cancer. With an 80% lifetime risk and given my family history, the risk was high. It is a difficult subject for me as I saw what my mum went through. When I saw changes in my scans last year, (although they were benign)it was enough for me to start asking about prophylactic mastectomy. To be honest the mere thought was terrifying, but I knew it was my best option to reduce my risk. So I went to my surgeon and got a referral to a plastic surgeon. I knew this would be an uphill battle as my surgeon said I was too young to have the surgery. I pushed ahead with the consult anyway. Even though I knew the chances were slim, it was still a shock to me when the plastic surgeon also said no.

I put all this time and effort into my health to be told no. I freely admit it threw me. I didn't know what to think. Was I wrong? Was he wrong? Why didn't he respect my concerns about my health risks? All I was told was to lose weight and it would make things better. I felt so useless and confused.

The question continued - what do I do next? After some thought I realised what I needed to do. Keep fighting. I did more research on my Cowden's , talked to people who might understand and developed a new plan with my conditions in mind. A new plan, new doctors, new hope. What I realised is that despite setbacks and "no" from certain people, I'm still my greatest advocate and to never give up.

                                                   ----------------------------------------

I would like to thank Michelle, Georgia, Egbertine, Robert, Adrian, Tanya and Sarah for sharing their experiences with everybody. Together we will continue spreading the word and beating Cowden's.

Till next time...xxx
ST