'TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

I am such a stress head. Even in beautiful Bali I had to remind myself that I was on holiday and I had to tell my brain to relax and not worry about anything . I'd like to say I'm out of practice at relaxing, but that would be a load of polly-waffle because I've always been an anxious sort, a worrier...and sometimes I feel I'm just getting worse.

And no matter how hard I try to not let it worsen , the anxiety breaks through. In the last few days the incident in Sydney has left a lot of people ( not just me), with worry lines etched into their faces. How is it possible that this horrible event unfolded in our beautiful country? Is this an indication of the life our children and grandchildren will forever be exposed to?

It just seems lately that nowhere is really a " worry free zone". Our beautiful town appears to have had an increase in break ins and theft. Whether this is actually an increase, or it's just more known about due to social media, is hard to know. But the worry seed is sown regardless . And of course being Australian, we refuse to remain housebound and town bound because of the actions of a few. We go about our day, we secure our home, we exercise caution and we worry...or at least I do.

Currently the husband and I are in the car returning home. MORE WORRY - daughter number 2 is ahead of us driving herself and her boyfriend. I'm not worried about her driving ability, she is a good driver. I'm worried about the idiots on the road. Even as I type this, a man flies past us in an area where he is not allowed to overtake. He has kids in the car and is doing about 15-20 km over the speed limit. OMG! Why do people think accidents will never happen to them? How much more tragedy do we need to experience?

Christmas is one week away and this year in an ongoing effort to minimise my stress I have once again cut corners. This year I am refusing to buy any women's magazines which are full of pictures of decorated tables, Christmas recipes and perfectly wrapped gifts. After many years of doing this, I know how to organise the sort of Christmas my family enjoy and I don't need the magazines making me feel I'm not doing it right. May sound really silly for some, but Christmas is a pressure pot for many and those magazines are in my pressure pot.

Add to that present shopping. I thought I had it stitched up this year thanks to Internet shopping. Now I find that some internet purchases may not arrive in time for Christmas. Scream, yell, shout. Now what? Do I need to start in July to get stuff mailed on time? Ridiculous!

As we left Bali this week, the Balinese were getting ready to celebrate Galungan. This is a festival celebrating good over bad, so in keeping with this I want to share some good things that I've heard about this week which have really touched me.

* At the FEDs work, a lady stepped forward to pay a bill for a mother desperately trying to deal with shopping and children.

* In America a stranger has paid off all the christmas lay-bys in a store.

* The #illridewithyou has trended all around the world. Please look it up if you don't know what this is - australian mateship at its best.

* A video on YouTube (link below) showing kids in a third world country opening the Christmas shoebox presents which a lot of people world wide ( myself as well at times) have contributed to.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=668868253230038&set=vb.477102562406609&type=2&theater

Yes I'm anxious and yes I worry...and sometimes these issues take on a life of their own and I feel worse. But amidst all this there are moments when you realise that there are good and happy things too, if our eyes are wide open and we are receptive.

Enjoy the lead up to Christmas

Till next time...xxx

BLOG NUMBER 100

Blog number 100. Yahoo!!!

I am sitting by the pool in my hotel in Bali with an iPad in one hand and a mojhito close by. It is off season here so I pretty much have the whole area and the waiter to myself. In three days the staff have become friends. They call the husband "boss" ( little do they know) and me "mama boss". It's hilarious. I might have to get a T shirt printed with Mama Boss for back home.

It's only my second time here but I'm seriously thinking of never going home ( only joking kids). The peace of this place is overwhelming. The people also tend to bring you back to what's important eg the husband asked a young waiter if he liked to drink Bintang beer. He replied it was too expensive for him. We are indeed a privileged lot to be able to easily afford what others see as luxuries. Another example - our pool waiter broke his flip flops and fixed them with a bit of rope because they still had wear in them. We are definitely a privileged lot and being here reminds us to practise gratitude and appreciation.

One thing I really like about Bali is that there is no need to rush. You are on Bali time. The husband asked reception ( P1) for more tea. He told person 2 ( P2) who rang P3 who gave the instruction to P4 who eventually arrived with the tea. Everyone has a role to play and it's no use getting frustrated. Initially it's annoying ( all I want are some bloody tea bags) but now you throw up your hands and know that what ever you want will happen eventually.

At lunch time today I listened to a tourist complain the cafe had no low fat milk. Complaining to the Balinese is a futile exercise. They either don't understand what's wrong or they stand there till you get over it and order something else. A few minutes later the grumpy customer had a yummy juice and was happy. No anger. No harsh exchange of words. No sweating the small stuff. Love it.

So yes, the reminders to be grateful, take my time and chill out are much needed.

It's been a shocker of a year - sick child, lots of travel, limited money, stress galore. But there have been good times too - the humour shared , the kindness shown to us by many, the success achieved whether in medical treatments or studies, the love of our families.

So, as the sun sets on another day in beautiful Bali, I thankyou for making 100 blogs possible and for helping me keep my head above water. Your support and your kind messages keep me going.

I'm out of mojhito.

Short blog today...till next time xxx

UP, UP AND AWAY

Ok Dad I apologise in advance for swearing, but 2014 has been a shit year. And while it's true you need to focus on the good and the positive, no matter what angle I look at it from, it's also true that this has been a positively shit year.

 To add to the general shittiness of it all, today is the 8th December, my 6th cancer anniversary. While the hurt is no longer as great as it once was and a general acceptance of what happened has settled in, the date always brings out the " what ifs".

What if that had been a normal day?

What if I never had a breast cancer diagnosis ?

What if I still had both breasts instead of these uncomfortable lumps of saline rubber?

What if...?

What if...?

What if...?

I swore back on the 8th December 2008 that on my anniversaries I would always do something special to reclaim that date. I've never failed and in the four anniversaries to date have celebrated with friends, had special dinners with family and one year I even had a luxurious spa treatment.

And today in keeping with the promise, I am writing this, kilometres up in the sky en route to the island of Bali. Just me and the husband ... no kids...for the first time in an eternity...22 years to be exact.

I'm out of practice. I don't know how to travel without the girls and I may or may not have shed a tear as we took off. Don't laugh. It's anxiety at its best.

What if something goes wrong?

What if someone gets sick?

What if someone has an accident?

What if our house gets broken into?

" Then we come back" says the husband. " Its only three and a half hours away".

So, Bali it is.

And because men know EVERYTHING, someone now has no deodorant and sunscreen.

And because I'm married to someone who sincerely believes that nothing can get done without a cup of tea and food first, we were running late.

And we argued at duty free.

And there was a queue for the toilets.

But nothing matters, because we're finally on the bloody plane where for the record tea, coffee and toasted sandwiches can be bought....cheaper! Oh the surprise of it all! 

And it doesn't matter because in a few hours I'll be lying by the pool sipping a cocktail. I'll be the one next to the sunburnt, deodorant less man so come say hello.

Till next time...xxx

*** MISS CIARA***

Being a Mum is the best gift I have ever received. For those of you only getting to know me recently, I am a Mum to two beautiful young women, whom I lovingly call the favourite eldest daughter (FED) and the favourite youngest daughter ( FYD). Yes they have names, but this way they always get to be my favourite!

Much has been written about the FED. Her story has spread to all parts of the world. But it's been a while ( probably a whole year since she finished school), since I've written about my other gal.

Introducing Miss Ciara, my little bundle of joy.  My talented, determined, headstrong, comical, loud bundle of joy. My favourite youngest daughter ( FYD).

This week the FYD reaches a milestone when she graduates from her year long intensive acting course. It's a huge achievement and one that has been completed against a backdrop of the most gut wrenching situations ever. In fact this backdrop has been going on for a while now. Agents, if you're looking for a determined, hardworking girl who soldiers on regardless, she's the one!

Let's back track.

She started high school with her Mum fighting breast cancer and finished high school five years later with her sister fighting for her life. In between the start and end of high school, family drama continued. I had four major surgeries and countless minor ones. Despite her Mum being frequently away ( which is hard for a young girl), she just kept plodding on, excelling in so many areas. Here are some of my favourite memories.

• She and her friend Nadene formed a singing duo that became well known in the Midwest, performing at various functions. They even performed as the support act for a band called Dragon, which if you're Australian you will know are music royalty.
• She is not only a talented singer/ actor but a talented dancer. I have spent hours driving her to and from lessons, sewing on sequins and sitting through rehearsals. But it was always worth it to see her on stage having a ball!
• She was Calamity Jane in the school musical in her last year of high school. This performance left everyone in no doubt that she was ACTUALLY Calamity herself in a previous life.

Thank God for the memories!

This week she graduates from the Actors Hub, Gap course which has taught her to push through barriers and continue to be the best possible actor she can be. There have been some spine tingling performances this year and also ones which have made me laugh out loud and wonder who this super talented woman on stage is.

And then I remember...and pinch the husband's hand to remind him...it's our daughter! There up on stage is the kid who:

• Ran away from home ( for half an hour) and lived near her Dads ute. She had a change of underwear and her teddy in a small bag.
• Would not do swimming lessons because she didn't like boy teachers.
• Would not wear dresses because they were too girly! 
• Cooked marshmallows in the inside potbelly stove with another naughty friend...cos they could.
• Tied the dog leash to a small table and then wondered why the aquarium on top came flying off.
• Sent a hotel staff into disarray looking for a lost teddy.
• Travelled around Europe at the age of 17

I could go on for ever!

This year has been the hardest, but amidst all the tragedy of a sick sister and the loss of a much loved cousin, she has managed to stay true to herself and push forward. She continues to aim high and ( I know it sounds corny) reach for the stars.

Congratulations sweetheart. 

May God bless you always and guide you to whatever is next.

Till next time...xxx ( have a look at the link below!)

https://www.facebook.com/actressciarataylor?pnref=storyCIARA

ABOUT TIME WE HAD SOME FUN!!!

This weekend my family will be guests at the Midwest Charity begins at Home ball. To say that we are all excited is an understatement. Actually its the women in this family who are excited. I'm not sure the husband will give it much thought till half an hour before he needs to throw on his suit! Men are so lucky!

I haven't been to a ball since 1985 - 29 years ago! It was a Science Union ball at university and I remember it clearly because my mother made me a beautiful ball dress, which she was still sewing while my friends were waiting for me outside! It was such a stunning  blue colour but I paired it (ruined it?) with black wrist gloves...why did I do that ???? What was I thinking!!!!

The dress, the gloves and an old friend who WILL forgive me for posting this...I hope !

Anyway, its now 2014 and as my mother no longer makes me clothes, I had to have someone else make something for me. It is so beautiful that I would actually be happy to just look at it rather than wear it.I'm seriously out of practice at this sort of stuff. You don't need to look too special while you're at home or wandering around a hospital. But the girls and I have been talking shoes, hair and makeup and the excitement is contagious. Its been a while since anything got us excited and its nice to know that for a while we're going to have fun and not think of doctors, hospitals and brain surgeries!

 The Midwest Charity begins at Home team fundraise continuously to support people like my daughter who are going through serious medical stuff. Last year when we had gone from two incomes to one, times were tough! It costs a serious amount of money to continually travel up and down the coast and those petrol costs never get cheaper!

Then there are medical costs, living in the city costs, hospital parking and bills, bills, bills!

When the girls at Midwest Charity begins at Home heard about our girl's plight they came through with some money to help her and us. Apart from everything I just mentioned, it also meant our daughter could take a short holiday when things were getting her down and to catch up with friends when she was well enough. Remember, she has been unable to work for most of the last 16 months and having no income limited what she could do. The sponsorship helped her a great deal to feel a bit normal...so important!
.
Thank you to everyone who works so hard in this charity. You are just fabulous and we are all so grateful!


 SATURDAY - BALL DAY

SUNDAY

 What a great night surrounded by some of the most generous people I have ever met. A whole load of money was raised for people who need it in our community. And as if they hadn't done enough. the FED ( favourite eldest daughter) was given a huge hamper of goodies and gifts. Plus she got a photo with a man who inspires her, Peter Fitzsimons, the compere of the night!

She is overwhelmed!
As are we all.

Lots of love and till next time...xxx

WE'RE NOT WAITING FOR ANYONE!

I simply refuse to believe that Christmas is four weeks away! But no amount of burying my head in the sand will change the fact that the need to feel festive is once again upon us. At the risk of sounding like Scrooge, grumble, grumble...haven't we just had one?

Obviously not, if the shops are anything to go by.

But let's backtrack a wee bit before getting too immersed in all things Christmas. You may remember in my daughter's last procedure we had a hiccup. We had thyroidgate! Honestly there we were happy in the misguided notion that we were getting somewhere, when suddenly we got a left hook out of nowhere.

Nodules on the thyroid.
Nodules on the thyroid which need investigating.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not complete destruction of fistula and head directly to endocrinology instead.
You are allowed to swear - I did.

A week later this was followed by a biopsy and a few days later a phone call from Dr HS to tell us the biopsy was benign. He actually emailed us at 8.30pm with the news. I'm presuming that's when he got it himself and I'm polishing his doctor of the year badge as we speak, because he didn't leave us waiting till the endocrinology consult another week later.

Of course we still had to go to a meeting with the thyroid doctor and work out if she was going to require  surgery or not.

The land of endocrinology lies in the previously unchartered E block of the hospital. It took a full five minutes to walk there from the neurology unit, down a dowdy, dark corridor that erupted into a giant waiting room. Luckily we weren't kept waiting for long today. Not that I minded. The nurse on duty was most entertaining bellowing from one side of the room to the other.

And the verdict is....no surgery for now and more monitoring in twelve months. The young doctor finished by saying it would take roughly two weeks for the report to reach Dr HS. Remember...it took us five minutes to walk here from the neuro unit but it would take two weeks for the report to electronically walk back! Am I the only one who has a problem with this?

So, my ever sensible daughter has made a decision. She's not hanging about waiting for doctors. She's going back to work and she has ordered her father and me to take the holiday we had planned to take. When the paper work has trekked down the corridor, we will regroup and recommence. At this rate we're guessing it could be in the New Year!

No other option really but it is so hard to go on holidays and Christmas shop while this is all unresolved. It's not a little problem, it's a big problem and the impatient part of me ( most of me) does not deal well with waiting under these circumstances.

And don't tell me it's character building because I will hunt you down and go all Scrooge and nasty on you!

Bring on the Christmas shopping!

Till next time...xxx

REALLY MR LATHAM? SIGH

Its really true isn't it that some people only open their mouth to change feet.

I'm convinced its true after reading what an ex (thank goodness) Australian politician has been spouting today. Not to give the dropkick any oxygen I am posting a link to a response from journalist Mia Freedman, from website Mamamia.

Please read what she has to say first. Round of applause to Ms Freedman.

http://www.mamamia.com.au/wellbeing/mark-latham-column/

Disgusted? Read on. If you're not disgusted, then I'm sorry for you, because in 2014 nobody should have to defend his or herself against such misinformed dribble.

If you asked ME, Mr Latham, how I got through the last few years, my answer would be almost exactly the same as Ms Pryor. The only difference is I would have said, caffeine, antidepressants, chocolate and the odd bourbon. I would probably have added that staying away from comments like yours, which are only designed to humiliate and embarrass would have been occurring simultaneously. I have long learned to encircle myself with people who raise me up not those whose mission it is to bring myself and others down.

Yes, like Ms Pryor, I too have children. Why do people like me have children in the first place? Let me answer that with another question. Why do sufferers of foot in mouth disease like yourself have them? I'm sure the anger and hurt that this article will generate will harm your children more than mine ever have been in their lives. So, why do YOU have children when its so flipping obvious you suffer from chronic foot in mouth disease? How will your children fare when they find out the trouble Dad has stirred up...just because he can!

Here's the bit that gets me the most!  Occurring to Mr Latham, people who take antidepressants are copping out on their responsibilities and that staying home with my children should have been my antidepressant. He also says that popping pills is cowardly and being used as an easy way out, instead of facing up to the responsibilities of adulthood.

Mr Latham, I am 48 and have faced more drama and trauma than you ever will in your life. And Im glad for you because I don't want anyone to go through what Ive been through.

Rather than copping out on my resposibilities, I actually faced them by seeking help when I knew there was a problem. Thats called being responsible not irresponsible. It means that I can function better on this earth and yes...if we're talking about being a better parent, it means that too. Without help from people who understand my condition, I would have simply retreated into my shell, not given my kids the attention they got and probably never attended assemblies, rosters, dance displays and the myriad of other things parents face daily. Sorry to disappoint you Mr Latham but women who seek help are acknowledging they have resposibilities and doing whatever they can to meet them.

Next...please take your head out of the fairytale you are reading and look me in my eyes and tell me with sincerity, that staying home with my children ALL THE TIME should be my antidepressant. Are you for real???

All humans need to be social . Read up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs if you dont know what I mean. They need to mix with their own people. They need to feel useful, use their brains, solve problems etc etc etc. It can't always be with their children. My experience of this is that mothers groups drove me batty. I needed stimulation that did not involve nappies and formula and sleep, all the time. I went back to work part time and bingo in just a couple of days, I felt better about myself.

But you know what I mean...cos you stayed home with your kids.Right? Or was it your wife?

I met a man in the school staff room one day who reprimanded me for doing relief teaching and leaving my kids with a babysitter. He told me that my first duty was to be with my children not the children of others. He essentially told me what you are saying today; that I am a disgrace of a parent and copping out on my responsibilities. He also ( bless him) told me the best part of his day was when he got home and he could smell the cake his wife had baked for him. (Are you feeling guilty yet?)! He could no doubt also hear the joyous, excited voices of his angelic children as they rushed to bring him his slippers and mop his hard worked brow.

Give me a break!

Thumbs down to the Australian Financial Review for printing such a hurtful, innaccurate load of cock a doodle doo. What the hell?

Thumbs down to anyone who thinks that seeking help for mental health issues is a cop out.Quit judging if you're one of these people and seek help immediately for your ego.

Thumbs up for parents who are responsible enough to seek help which enables them to do a better job raising their children. Hopefully if we do a good enough job ( while on medication of course), our children will never disrespect women in the manner they have been today.

Till next time...xxx